


being gay is not a coping mechanism (misc. gamtav)

by Jack_Kappa_Papilloma



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and on earth c, and prepared to be HAPPy okay, everyone is alive bitches, takes place after sburb, why is the gamtav tag so dead SKJHFDKSJLDF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25160980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jack_Kappa_Papilloma/pseuds/Jack_Kappa_Papilloma
Summary: yes thats the name of it on the google doc. anyways heres some food for all the people who have gamtav as their main comfort ship like me,,, i am fighting secondhand embarrassment to bring this to you but its worth it-mentioned in the tags but this takes place in a general au where everyone is revived after sburb living on earth c :)
Relationships: Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	1. Using (songfic)

The air around Tavros was cold.

He breathed in, drawing warm smoke into his lungs, and almost immediately began to cough the comfort out.

  
He groaned, doubling over the concrete balcony overlooking the ocean -- the brand new, Earth C ocean. Waves crashed below him, sending flecks of seafoam at his face. With a sour look he snuffed the cigarette and stuffed it into his pocket, instead choosing to lean on his hand and watch the water move rhythmically in and out.

  
It didn’t take long for his mind to wander.

  
Just minutes before he was enjoying company; a party, with the rest of their group -- the trolls, humans, and cherubim -- when he felt a stab at his gut. The whole thing just didn’t feel right, like he was suddenly being suffocated by the atmosphere. The loud music began to pierce his head and every light brush against his shoulder felt like nails, itchy, thin shards of glass sent right to his throat, wanting to scream and clench his fists and just get out.

  
So he did. And took out a little box he’d been given from Vriska, little sticks with caramel colored ends and nicotine-filled insides. To make him ‘relax’ more. What she really meant, he knew, was to try and prevent panic attacks. He’d finally been diagnosed with the proper disorder -- which meant things made a little more sense, why he felt like he was being poisoned, unable to move or talk.

  
The cigarettes were, however, very hard to use. It felt like a fire was being lit inside his lungs, smoke tickling the back of his neck.

  
It reminded him of his aspect. Page of Breath. Rose had analyzed it; as a hero of breath he was meant to be a main character, a brave, charismatic person, the alternate leader to one of Blood. On the other hand, as a page, it just meant he might never even get to that point. --Not might, he never even did. He was a coward. He couldn’t be the Breath, the freedom his team needed.

  
He couldn’t even save himself to begin with.

  
And was always reminded of it when he felt the anxiety creeping up on him, breath catching in his throat before he even recognized it doing so and suddenly he was unable to move.

  
Tavros looked up, watching the sun dip down over the water. The sky turned purple-reddish, painted over clouds and casting colors over the waves.

  
His eyes glazed over as his mind crossed over into depreciative thoughts, complaining to himself about how he couldn’t have prevented this -- his ailment, the team’s fall -- that he didn’t happen to hear the screen-door behind him sliding open. It wasn’t until he heard his name from someone else’s lips that he fizzed back into reality.

  
Tavros turned around, shoulders hunching again as they originally did inside with the others. He hadn’t even noticed they did that. “What?”

  
Gamzee stood there, hand still lain on the sliding door. His horns almost touched the top of the frame, twisting and gnarled as they’d shakily grown in. There were still crescents in the base from his nails.

  
His eyes were wide, posture bent as if he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. “I just wanted to check up on a motherfucker.” He paused, as if remembering something. “That alright?”

  
Tavros let his shoulders drop. Would it be good to talk instead of letting his thoughts get away? “Oh, yeah, sure, I was just…” He looked down at the side of the balcony, scrapping the train of thought. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  
Gamzee seemed to lighten up, a slight smile replacing his original cautious expression as he slunk over. He dangled his arms over the balcony, watching the tide, before he tentatively spoke. “...So what’s my best bro been up to?”

  
Tavros bit the inside of his cheek. He was convinced Gamzee knew the nickname wasn’t appropriate, seeing as they hadn’t talked much since the game.

  
...Since he knew what Gamzee had done. To him, and the others--

  
\--Which didn’t seem fair, because it’d been explained to him that Gamzee had been both under influence and mind controlled, and was promising to do better for himself (and the others,) but it was still weird.

  
He didn’t want it to be. Gamzee was the only one he felt he could talk to.

  
(but what if he’d changed?)

  
“Um, I -- I don’t know. I’m just… looking at the sun. Sunset, I guess.”

  
Gamzee looked up. He smiled again, teeth catching on his lip. “Violet. Like Eri-bro caught his cape up on the clouds. Like sun-swept drapes… I think.”

  
Tavros grinned at the little excerpt. He didn’t know why, but it reminded him of -- “Hung on the sky like a coat hanger?”

  
He was proud of his little addition, but Gamzee didn’t reply until he muttered, “...but ignorance isn’t helping.”

  
“What?”

  
“I came out here to ask what was wrong. So what’s wrong?”

  
“...Oh.” Tavros tried to recall everything he was caught on. For some reason, the thought that Gamzee had gone to the extent of going outside to make sure he was okay was… tugging at him. “I guess I thought I was going to start panicking. ...I don’t know why, everything seemed okay.”

  
Gamzee just shrugged. “Ain’t no problem with that.”

  
“And, um, I just feel bad. About the game.

  
He leaned forward. “...What for?

  
Tavros hesitated, then began to talk as if something had unlodged itself from his throat and he could finally speak again, words flowing easily as he explained. “I’m supposed to be a hero of breath. I’m, I was, supposed to be some sort of leader, to help most when our team needed it. I didn’t get to do that. I guess I was -- too much of a coward? Or, if I hadn’t gotten myself paralyzed, I could help more, or…”

  
The train of thought died as it became more depreciating. A heavy hand made its way to Tavros’ back, nails scraping light circles. The owner in question waited for him to continue.

  
“I don’t mean to, I guess, unload this on you… but I also -- I keep being told that this is my fault… well, mostly by myself and Vriska -- but I also know it’s not? The fate of the game wasn’t resting on my shoulders, I don’t have to owe anyone an apology, and I still can’t shake the thought that I should.”

  
“If it helps any, I can tell you for certain that’s just your mind trying to trick you,” Gamzee assured him.

  
He just hummed. “I know. That’s why it’s so hard to ignore.”

  
“--And that frankly, I think you did a well-off job at leading those ghosts. Not one other could do that, you know.”

  
Tavros watched as the last sliver of sunlight sank under the sea. Shadows began to form at the edges of everything; the waves, the trees, his hands, Gamzee’s face. There was silence for a moment. Comfortable -- on his side, at least. He hoped on Gamzee’s side, too, as the indigo opened his mouth, then closed it.

  
“Hey, Tav, are we still friends?” He finally blurted.

  
Oh.

  
Tavros looked up, surprised before his voice softened as he busied himself with plucking at the strings on his sweatshirt. “Well -- I mean, I… do you want to be…?” He asked.

“‘Cause I… missed you.”

  
Gamzee’s smile widened, eyes pricked with little undertones of regret. “I missed you too…! It just… seemed hard to talk to anyone, for awhile. I wish I had--”

  
“No, it’s okay! You just needed to take time, that was fine!” Tavros almost shrunk at the volume of his own voice before shaking the feeling off and taking a step towards Gamzee, wrapping his arms around the indigo’s shoulders. Tavros’ head fit right underneath Gamzee’s, who in turn clutched him right back like he was an anchor.

  
The bronze’s voice was muffled into his shirt, warm cheek against cold collarbones. “...And anyways, you’re doing better, so I don’t care what happened.”


	2. Fiduspawn is gayer than i remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dON't ask about the .title

While the downstairs of the Lalonde household is loud and joyful as a party reaches its peak, the upstairs is mute in comparison. None but two sit patiently, in a pile of plushies and hidden among strung lights, watching as the thrumming of cards against the hand of one punctuates the silence. 

Tavros’ mind begins to slip as he shuffles the cards in front of him. The names of the fiduspawn float around in his mind, circling around as the cards reappear in his hands.

In front of him, across the little coffee table, Gamzee sits restlessly, picking at his fingernails -- Tavros can tell he’s nervous and that the indigo knows he is too. Instead of talking about it, like they might in some other universe where nothing went wrong, they sit and wait.

Tavros lays the cards in a neat pile between them. “So, this is more of a… simpler version, I guess, without the physical aspects…” He purses his lips. “Since we don’t have ‘onibombs… or host plushies. But, I’m not even sure I’ll know how to play, either, because Dave said it looks a lot more like a human game…?”

Gamzee just shrugs and grins lazily, teeth catching on his bottom lip. “It’s alright, I dunno any more than you do. ‘Sides, there’s instructions, right?”

“I think so.” Tavros mumbles, pulling up a folded sheet of paper.

After a bit of skimming, he pieces together a few main rules -- also simplified, because they don’t have many cards to begin with -- and settles for setting up a prize card, bench, and active play.

It feels weird, the bronze thinks, to see so many cards that tug at his mind with familiarity just to look closer and notice alien things. Some of the creatures look familiar… but like it’s been so long, more than the three years in actuality, since he’s seen them.

“Okay,” Tavros starts, “Flip over your prize cards -- yeah, those ones, -- and the active-- no, bench cards?”

He watches as Gamzee starts to reveal his cards before turning to his. He skims over the stats printed on the face before remembering, again, that most of these are new. ...Something tugs at his mind.

Gamzee is grinning at his active card. “Motherfucker’s got wings and gills. What’s he gotta glide around in the clouds and coral for?”

Tavros laughs quietly. “I dunno, I don’t remember much about that one. ...Do you like him, though?”

He flashes a thumbs-up. The bronze smiles in confirmation.

His active card, on the other hand, looks more reminiscent of a fiduspawn he used to love. It’s on four legs and mostly purple, with equine features -- however, this one has horns jutting from its head and down its back. It seems more hostile than anything. “Oh, this one looks like one of the fiduspawn on Alternia!”

Gamzee leans forward. “I remember you talking about this one. It has the Earth word for hoofbeast in its name, right?”

He nods. 

They flip a coin to see who goes first, and the most of the game passes quickly. Tavros was mostly nervous about teaching Gamzee how to play -- if he might be as forgetful as he was on sopor -- but the indigo listens intently. It isn’t long before Tavros remembers the adrenaline of a physical game and starts to pretend that the creatures on their card really are beside them -- and, he notices, Gamzee plays along just as he does. Cards and adrenaline dwindle down as they continue, and they begin to resort to topics of conversation to entertain themselves. The atmosphere is comfortable; trusting, and Tavros feels as if it’s easier to talk than he’d remembered in the past three years.

They fall into a pattern of one question each. “You still like bugs, right? You always said you wanted to own animals ‘er insects some day. Like a farm. A rad-as-hell bug farm.” Gamzee pauses and laughs. “It’s easier to remember the nights when you just filled our chat with facts about crawlbeasts.”

“Torodily uses scratch, dealing forty damage. And yeah…!” Tavros starts. “I was just really… nervous? About being responsible for another creature? Like, what if I did something wrong and it...  _ died? _ ”

Gamzee nods in understanding, squinting at the card. “Forty damage…? Uhhh, motherfuck, am I dead?”

“Do you remember how much health yours had?”

His expression almost seems to turn. “...No.” 

Tavros watches as Gamzee starts to curl in on himself, like he was realizing he’d done something  _ terribly  _ wrong -- a bit extreme for a card game.

He leans over the table -- pushing aside some of the cards by accident -- to hold Gamzee’s shoulder. “Hey, wait, it’s okay. What’s wrong…?” 

The indigo blinks. His eyes are cloudy and attempting to dilate, like he was trying to fight his own mind. Like he was falling asleep or -- dissociating. “Nothing.” His voice is soft, his tone robotic.

Tavros leans further, setting aside the small table so he can face Gamzee. At least he could recognise what was going on -- he himself had experienced dissociation before. He just needed to ground the indigo.

He places his left hand on Gamzee’s shoulder, rubbing small circles with his thumb, then his other hand on his cheek.

Apparently he reacted in time, because Gamzee’s eyes refocus on his face. He blinks blankly. 

“Sorry. I mean, thanks, Tav,” he stutters out. His face is flushing indigo -- that’s probably the first time Tavros’ heard him stumble over his words.

Tavros shrugs awkwardly. “Uh, you’re welcome. Are -- are you okay…?”

Gamzee is looking at one of the stuffed animals in the pile, fidgeting with its little button eyes. “Yeah. Wait, can I ask another question? I know it’s your turn but--” Tavros nods. “‘Kay.”

He pauses, and looks up from the stuffed animal. “Um, okay, I guess this is a real motherfuckin’ bad -- I mean, really fucking bad -- time to ask, because I know last time I asked this I kinda pushed you into a corner and that was really shitty of me…”

Tavros shrugs again, waiting for him to finish. Something pricks at his stomach as it dawns on him --  _ oh, it’s this question, _

Gamzee stops talking suddenly and it’s clear he’s just processing what he wants to say.

“Did you ever reciprocate? Red feelings?”

As soon as it’s out of his mouth his face is all indigo, and Tavros almost doesn’t think anything of it before he decides,  _ fuck it,  _ he looks cute. His words start to spill out.

“Well -- I -- yes…? I mean, YES, not really back  _ then  _ but more like, now that you’re, doing better, and you and I are both alive which is kind of a weird thing to say but still I -- yes..!” Oh fuck, now they’ve got matching dumb blushy faces.

Gamzee smiles slow and toothily. “Really?”

He just grins back, remembering for the first time since they were on Alternia how nice it was to be in his company, not caring about how they looked or what they said. “Well -- yeah, you dork, you’re one of the only people who puts up with me and lets me ramble and stuff--” his expression tinges. “Like I really --  _ missed _ you.”

Gamzee ducks his head a little and looks down. “Well, motherfucker, I’m here now…”

Tavros blinks dumbly before starting to remember little bits of his few timeline lives. He remembers thinking of Gamzee, pretending he was talking to him even if it meant just thinking about their old conversations, questioning what had happened to him -- and god, was he just playing one big game of chicken the whole time.  _ But he’s here now, so… _

The bronze leans forward on his knees so he’s height with Gamzee’s forehead. “Can I…?”

He nods, and Tavros presses a short kiss to the center of his forehead before pulling away, anxious thoughts leaving indents in his mind -- until Gamzee wraps his arms around his waist and gently tucks Tavros’s head underneath his chin. He hugs back, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to fend off the butterflies in his stomach. 

That’s hard to do, however, when he can’t stop thinking about how their chests are flushed together (albeit through fabric) and just how  _ small  _ he is compared to Gamzee, it feels like the indigo could wrap around him -- and okay that’s  _ not  _ helping with the butterflies --

Someone is knocking on the door.

Just as the person opens the door Tavros jumps up, meanwhile Gamzee is slower to react and just kinda half-sits up.

It’s Roxy and Karkat. Roxy is wearing big heart-shaped glasses and a shirt with a lazy tuxedo print, while Karkat is wearing his typical outfit plus a pair of bright red socks recognizable as Dave’s. Their expressions are polar opposite; Roxy looks laid back, Karkat almost annoyed. They both look a bit worried, however.

“There you are, asshole!” Karkat is the first to speak, notably to Gamzee. “Where were you?”

“Here,” Gamzee gestures to the room.

Roxy swings on the doorway, bumping into Karkat. He glares at them. “Yeah, y’all disappeared on us! ...Are you okay?”

“...Yeah, we’re fine,” Tavros mumbles, voice just above a whisper. He picks up a Fiduspawn card. “We were... just playing cards. It got kind of, y’know, overwhelming?”

Roxy nods apologetically. “Well, we’re gonna look around for some board games, it should get quieter. If you want, you could bring that one down too!”

The two look at each other. “Sure!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i had the patience to write slow burn :( friends to lovers would be sO much better than the 1,400 word fics im writing right now,,, but at least this one is newer than the last

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn2-NkEwUjo&list=PLcaIdz1bxlglNhVDtnsoK8XgQJrxYsgTz&index=6 !  
> (aka gamzee is anxious to start using sopor again to sleep without nightmares and tavros is smoking to try and form a disconnection between him and his aspect just to have it backfire on him)  
> also this was mostly used for me to vent and i felt too awkward with myself to have them actually confess and start dating or something KASHFDJKLKJDSF the next chapter will have actual romance nd shit


End file.
